If You Want to Rock
Sunday, 19 October 2008 20:25 | 
Author: Pat 2: Electric Boogaloo | 
With the emergence and popularity of “rhythm” based music games like Rock Band, Guitar Hero and even Guitar Praise we are headed towards a harsh reality. This scenario may not be far off.
Very sad I know. These games are creating false hope that dreams of playing a plastic guitar can lead to stardom. What most people don’t realize is that it is a long way to the top, if you want to rock and roll.
Having performed and toured with a band, I can attest to the difficulty of making it big. I’d like to outline some of the hazards that you may encounter living the musician life style.
· Robbed – For a band to actually play music it takes instruments. To get those instruments it takes money (I think that most of our reader’s understand this concept). Those said instruments can sometimes cost hundreds of dollars. We all know that there are some nefarious people out there that would rather just take your stuff to try to achieve their rock and roll dreams.
· Stoned – Lapidation, not fun. Enough said.
· Broken-boned /Beat up – If you are good at making music, others that lack your talent will be jealous. Often times that will lead to them performing some sort of violence on your person. (See above) This also may come from some spurned club owner, overzealous fan or former groupie. (See below)
· Had/Took/Ripped off/Under-paid – Places that the average rock band will play are usually run by someone that looks something like this -
So as one could imagine they do not have the best morals. Especially, when it comes to their employees. Most wouldn’t think twice about cutting a bad deal with some aspiring musicians. Often using hidden clauses in contracts that may include human bondage (see below). They will often times use force to get what they want. Their tools can include but are not limited to drowning, poisonings, explosives, law suits, mob hits, and electrocution. Please use caution with these types.
· Old – Like I said earlier, it’s a long road to the top. If you keep at it long enough you may look like this –
Or this
Or even this.
Basically, singing dancing skeletons. No one wants that. No one. Trust me.
· Grey – Not sure on this one, it could be mostly harmless. It either means that the hard life of a rocker will make your hair turn grey prematurely, causing you to have to turn to products like this to maintain your spry, youthful appearance. (See above)
Or it could mean something much more sinister. Like this –
Could it be that rock and rollers have an increased abduction rate? Are all the strange ones actually replacement clones or robots? That would explain at lot of strange behavior. If this is the case, being a musician is a very bad thing.
· Sold second-hand – The current black market slave trade in semi-professional musicians has been long established. Basically, venue and club managers trade acts between themselves. Keeping the popular ones to make money off them until they lose their appeal. Bands can trade hands several times in their careers.
· Having "one-night stands" with women – On the surface it may sound like a good time, but in reality it can lead to a whole ton of problems that no one wants. We’re talking about getting the Jack, running into large girls called Rosie, and getting shaken all night long. Plus we’re here to rock, right? The whole purpose of picking up an instrument is to make music, to affect peoples’ lives, not “pick up girls”. Right? Right?
There you have it kids. Rock and/or Roll is not all that you thought it was. I hope you learned something. Keep on rocking!
-P2:EB
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