The first thing you have to do in order to understand how this translation works is to break down the individual pieces that talk about the impending doom facing our species.  Let's start by taking the Mayan Calendar and breaking down the specific relative sections piece by piece...

Alright, there's the calendar.  There's a lot of crazy nonsense happening in there, we know.  Bear with us for just a moment though.  If you look real closely, the very center of the calendar has some strange face in there.  Let's highlight it so that we can focus on just that area...

The middle of this section has a face, but it's not any ordinary face.  Look at it!  The tongue is hanging out and there are strange wrinkles all over it.  This is what the Mayans referred to as "Zomboros".  I know what you're thinking, that could totally just be a regular dude, but look at the arms that Zomboros is sporting...

Located on both side of Zomboros are these hands, but they're more than just hands.  A closer look reveals them to be sharp, and very pointed.  They almost look like fangs.  What kind of man has fanged fingers?  None.  It's symbolic of Zomboros' using of said hands for destruction.  Now, not only are they sharp, but it looks like they've got mouths in them.  This represents Zomboros' undying thirst for destruction.  Amazing isn't it?  Let's move on to the four objects that cover Zomboros' exterior.

Originally, our J-FP Scientists had believed these to be rocket packs.  We weren't sure why Zomboros would require rocket packs, and ultimately decided that rocket packs are a stupid thing for zombies to have.  I mean come on, Rocket Zombies?  Actually, that would be horrifying.  Regardless, we discovered that they weren't rocket packs at all.  If you take these four objects and put them together you'll find it's actually an ornate door!  (Hover your cursor over the picture)

I think you can see where we're going with this.  These are secrets, mysteries that the Mayan people tried to warn us of.  So let's see how it all adds up shall we?  Using complicated math type formulas and equations, our J-FP Mathematicians have given us the following formula...

And what does all that add up to?  It can only mean one thing J-Fans, and that's the zombie apocalypse...

It's a horrible fact, we know.  But it's our job here at the J-FP to bring these things to light so that you, the J-Fans can be made aware.  Now that we have discussed exactly HOW the Mayan calendar reveals what will happen in 2012, we'll begin going over ways that you can become 2012 Ready.  Reason, Logic and Math have provided us the events that will unfold in the future, now it becomes the J-FP's job to provide you with the information you need in order to survive. 

'Cause hey, nothing sucks more than having a zombie chomping on your arm. 

--Austin of Locksley