Alright J-Fans, why the world mourns the loss of the King of Pop and one of Charlie's Angels, I thought maybe we should do something to remember these two fallen icons by.  And then I thought "Everyone else is doing that, so you need to do something else".  Realizing I was totally right, I decided it's time to get out some tools of destruction out and compare them.  We're not talking about guns in this article, rather we're sticking with two common anti-zombie utilities that a lot of people instictively turn to in a zombie apocalypse.  You see, as a human being you're hard coded to love these kinds of items.  But are both equally effective?  We'll tell ya the answer to that question as we dig down deeper into this article.  Also, no, they're not equally effective...

In the face of a zombie outbreak, you're going to want to pack around an array of weaponry but you don't want to overpack.  That's why you've gotta way the good and bad of weapons before you pick them.  First thing's first, let's talk about the chainsaw...

 
There are a few facts about chainsaws that we need to get out of the way.  First and foremost, chainsaws are lethal and wild machines.  If you are proficient at wielding one, voluptuous women will love you.  You'll note that I said proficient at wielding one, and let's talk about why.  If you're holding a chainsaw, you're holding a piece of machinery designed to cut through trees.  Because of this, they're designed a certain way and have to be held just right.  You can just press it up against something and hope it does the job.  Sure, it'll cut what you want it to, but for maximum effect you have to put your body into it...  

 The other thing you have to remember with a chainsaw is that it can kick back at you.  Nothing says "Hey, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with a chainsaw" quite like swinging it at something and having it kick back into your face.  That's a crappy way to go.  A chainsaw really, reeeeeeeeally has to be used carefully if it's going to be effective and being surrounded by zombies isn't the ideal situation for chainsaw use.  So let's talk about the axe...

 

First and foremost, an axe is a man's weapon.  The proper axe can be a quick and efficient weapon and you don't have to worry about it grinding your stupid face off.  For the record, if the chainsaw grinds your face off, you are in fact stupid.  I'm just sayin'...

What's awesome about an axe?  How about the fact that Gimli, son of Gloim uses one.  That guy killed so many creepy things with his axe that you KNOW it has to be awesome.  You didn't see anyone in the Fellowship of the Ring running around with a chainsaw did you?  Exactly. 

Chainsaws come in multiple designs, each of which are practical.  They won't beat a chainsaw in a speed race, but they also don't grind your stupid face off.  That's what we call a perk.    Additionally, with some axes you can use the axe head as a blunt object which is PERFECT for clearing away multiple zombies at once should you be attacked by a horde.  The axe however, can be lodged into something and get stuck.  That's bad news.  But hey, at least it won't tear up your stupid face, right?

Really, when it comes down to it the best secondary weapon when choosing between an axe and a chainsaw is the axe.  So congratulations axe, you're the big winner! 

YAY!

--Austin of Locksley