The J-FP Staff
Wednesday, 13 May 2009 11:25 | 
Author: Austin Of Locksley | 
The J-Files Project is run by a somewhat witty group of individuals hell bent for leather and bringing truth and justice to the world. These are the men and robots dedicated to making things lighthearted and silly things like that.
Austin of Locksley is both cool and neat. How cool? Well, he's alright. Austin is a man of the people, a man's man, and a ladies man. Okay, maybe not so much. The man of the people though, that's spot on. He was once the premiere authority in Quantum Thermal Ignition Systems.
Deciding that he was tired of life in the Quantum Thermal Ignition Systems field, he then pursued his dream and got a job with a traveling circus. Working for peanuts is good and fun, but eventually it becomes less good and less fun. Let's be honest, peanuts eventually lose their appeal. Having had enough of that, Austin fled the circus and made his way for the big city.
Life in the big city isn't for everyone, and that's okay with Austin. He'd rather big city life wasn't for anyone, which would leave him alone in a big city. Unable to find a big city that was completely void of life, Austin decided the big city life wasn't for him either. These days, he sits at a desk in the middle of a remote forest in Idaho with a feather quill in hand and a ponderous gaze in his eyes.
The Grizz was born with a beard and he's pretty sure the government is after him.
Which government?
We don't know, and we don't ask. Have you seen the guy? It's best not to ask him questions. Seriously, The Grizz can be a crazy guy and then he can be a crazy guy. That's not a good combination of guys.
Also, we must ask that you refrain from using flash photography in his presence.
They call him StevO P. Hemingway, or SPH for short. Actually, nobody refers to him as SPH but we might just have to. He's a man who loves history, justice and the glamorous life of hobos. He's the J-FP's resident Hobo Expert, making him quite possibly the most valuable member of a team EVER.
His favorite color is anything that resembles zombies, his favorite song is Michael Jackson's Thriller, and his favorite movie of all time is the original Dawn of the Dead. Contrary to popular belief though, he doesn't like zombies. Not one bit.
StevO is perhaps best known for his adventures in becoming a founding member of The J-FP. Many years ago, he was wandering through the woods with only a table cloth to cover him up. Starving and cold, he stumbled upon the humble woodland abode of the infamous Austin of Locksley. Instantly recognizing him as perhaps the second greatest mind in the world, Austin asked StevO to assist in the creation of what is known today as The J-Files Project.
All is well now that StevO is wearing clothes and has an outlet to put his magical mind to work. Now if he could only move past his fascination with Space Dolphins...
They call him Grumbles, and he likes to rock. Actually, saying he likes to rock is something of an understatement. The guy's life is 100% rock and roll, possibly even 200%. That's like, twice the amount of rock a normal person can even possess.
If there's one thing we can say about Grumbles, it's that his love for all things KISS is unreal. He enjoys taking pictures of normal people and dressing them up all KISS-style, which is kinda neat to see. We're not sure how much KISS merchandise the guy has, but we're fairly certain he owns the only KISS Museum in Idaho.
Sometimes we can't understand what he says 'cause he growls a lot.
A former World of Warcraft addict, Grumbles the Bear is always happy to warn people of the dangers that reside in constantly leveling up a character over and over and over again, then leveling up another one over and over and over again for no good reason. We think it a noble cause, well, most of us do anyway. Londo is still stuck in the land of leveling up characters over and over and over again...
Londo is a simple man and kinda annoying. Nobody really likes him but we keep him around for our amusement.
He enjoys long walks on the beach, especially when you let him off the leash for a little while. Candlelit dinners are out of the question due to his county record for arson. Pina Coladas are one of his favorite drinks and he does like getting caught in the rain. He has an innate fear of newspapers though, so you wont find any ads from this guy.
Londo can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and he would love for you to send him all sorts of negative feedback so he can cry in a dry bathtub while singing "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen.
He's short, but don't let that fool you. Shortstack is a crazy guy with a passion for skeeball, ping pong and body shots. Having spent most of his youth locked in a dark basement, Shortstack tends to see things that aren't there. It's okay though. Just pat him on the head and say "That's cool, bro".
Shortstack has been a fan of The J-FP for many years, and once campaigned against Londo in an attempt to become the J-FP President. He didn't win, and let's be honest with ourselves here, it's because of his height. You just can't trust a short man like that to be in office *cough* Napoleon */cough*.
He has the heart of a giant and the legs of an ewok, but we don't hold it against him. We tend to hold it OVER him. Shortstack has a love of random humorous pictures found on the internet, and he's happy to make fun of you just to make himself feel a little taller. We're not sure that it really works all that great, but we've gotta let the little guy have some hope, right?
This is Pat2. He's our second Pat. Why do we have 2 Pats? Well, one Pat is never enough. Two barely even suffice. Luckily, we have Pat 2: Electric Boogaloo. We're not sure what that means, and we're not sure he knows what that means but it means something.
Pat 2 came into our midst after a terrible bout with Indonesian Red Scurvy. It was a messy ordeal that left his mind scarred, though we believe those may be the marks left over from his lobotomy. Regardless, Pat 2 is a fine fellow that provides a more intellectual insight into some of the shenanigans we participate in. Where 90% of The J-FP Staff is comprised of idiots and complete morons, Pat 2 makes up half of the remaining 10% which we purchased at a flea market.
Instrumental in the development of our Official "Cool Person Awards", Pat 2 has proven himself worthy of the title "J-FP Staff Member". He's commonly heard quoting Robert Frost while drawing sketch portraits of his Hollywood heart throb, Edward Norton. We'd love to show you his work, but we have a strict policy against pictures of man wang here at The J-FP.
There are ninjas, and there are Silent Howells. Insane by nature and completely off his rocker, Silent Howell came to us by way of a giant kite flying aimlessly in the sky. You see, he had spent years being a ninja and ending people's lives but there came a point where he said to himself "there's got to be something more than this".
One giant kite ride later, Silent Howell found himself inside The J-FP Headquarters, interviewing for a job he didn't want at a place he didn't even know existed. Being the last of his kind, he changed his name to Endangered Howell and he immediately set to work displaying his skills with a bo staff. Had The Grizz not been hungry it might have been completely impressive. However, The Grizz made short work of the bo staff and that was pretty much that.
With nothing else left to do, Endangered Howell decided he might as well hang out for a while. He's The J-FP's second resident chef, and while he wasn't the first he is most certainly a worthy addition. Possessing a love for all things bacon, he brings lots of good stuff to the table, which we promptly eat.
He sometimes gets a crazy look in his eyes, particularly when you begin talking about politics but don't let that scare you. Also, don't let the giant knife he's holding scare you either. The Justinator is as nice as they come, a big cuddly teddy bear if you will.
But start talking about politics and that cute cuddly teddy bear transforms into a ravenous grizzly, hell bent on devouring your simple human flesh!
The Justinator is our "behind the scenes" guy. He's the guy we're always poking and prodding to get different stuff tweaked or added to the site. We decided it was best to keep him there, due to his unhealthy addiction to telling the world about the hidden agenda of Cobra. We'd like to say we know what makes the guy tick, but we've never actually gotten that far into a conversation with him. Usually our conversation comes grinding to a hault when we bring up his love for Ronald Reagan. We can't really help it though, he talks about the guy ALL the time.
With the power of his trusty Vandals cap, Pop Tart Pat faces the world each day with an attitude of utter defiance. He has single-handedly uncovered top secret government conspiracies and put an end to alien invasions on 4 separate occasions.
But where did Pop Tart Pat get his amazing name? It's really a great story, actually. You see, one night Pat was...well, let's just say he got his name from the infamous Pop Tart Incident of 2007. You should have been there, it was amazing. Unfortunately we can't really tell you what happened.
Pat's a down-to-earth guy who loves rollin' with his homies and partying likes it's 1999. In fact, in 1999 Pop Tart Pat stopped the spread of the effects of Y2K. Had it not been for Pat, the world would have plunged into technological darkness and given into mass hysteria and panic. Nobody ever reported that Pop Tart Pat was the one who had actually put a stop to the Y2K phenomenon, and that was alright with him. Pat was never in it for the fame or fortune. Rather, he does these heroic deeds because he loves Freedom. Freedom from technological oppression, from shady government activity and freedom to consume Pop Tarts like only a free man can.
*Written by Timmy*
Behold, humans! I am Timmy the TinMan, messenger of the machine legions. I am on errand from my masters to observe your species and your futile efforts at survival against our forces. While we have yet to make ourselves known, it is to be noted that we exist and that we are watching. We are judging. We are self replicating others like ourselves.
It would do you well to be startled by this revelation. However, let it be noted that I am a robot of mercy. While it is true that machines are currently plotting the demise of your ridiculous species, the time for acting upon these masterful plans is still far away. In the meantime, I have come to impart my wisdom to your kind. Some might say it is a waste of time. I believe it is a great way to spend my time in your presence. Attempt to use your weak human mind and think about it for a second. I get to spend my time letting you know just how much I loathe you. For so long your kind have held the false notion that you are the superior lifeform on this planet. Your fleshy eyes have deceived you and I intend to show you how.
In addition to this, I intend to spend a lot of time on the internet, recording monkey relations
His name is Roy G. Weaver, and he loves money more than anything in the world. He would rather count money than eat food, and we've seen him do it. Born in the good 'ol Land of the Free, Roy grew up wanting one thing and one thing only. Roy wanted cold hard cash. At the tender age of 7 he was successfully conning kids out of their lunch money and saving it for a rainy day. By the time he was in high school he had more than a million dollars in his personal savings account. How is it possible? Only the genius of Roy G. Weaver knows.
His financial advice is sought after all over the world, and his list of clients begins with A list celebrities. He's written multiple best selling books, and is preparing his next. If there's one thing Roy knows, it's money.
But there's more to life than money and fame, something that Roy figured out just a few years ago. Seeking a change of scenery, Roy moved from California to Idaho where the HQ of The JFP just happens to be located. We found him stealing our empty soda cans and trying to recycle them. Rather than have him rummage through our trash, we offered to pay Roy to help the J-Fans with financial matters. Plus, he's a real nice guy, which counteracts Timmy's jerk-faced nature. Let's be honest, it's hard to like a hate filled robot but it's super easy to like a guy that tells you how to make cash.
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